not prepared for..

globalization. today morning a pattern of globalization just punched me when I was waiting for my tram in a freezy weather.. there was an ad for a new cartoon movie from Disney and I just could not believe what I saw. I have the memory still in front of my eyes. The new movie is called 'The Princess and the Frog' and besides the fact that I cannot judge how the princess looks like I could see that our princess has black skin color. I understand that Disney is a brand entertaining people from all cornerns of the world and I don't even know why it came to be unusual for me to see that in a classic (or maybe it is not so classic?!) cartoon movie, distributed in the middle of Europe is a black princess. Since my childhood, all characters, in books of borthers Grimm, or even early Disney's movies, the princesses were white. I am asking myself whether it would be against law to do two similar movies, one with white skinned princess and the other one with black skinned princess. However I can imagine looking myself at a movie with black skinned princess and enjoying it pretty much, still in my mind, princesses are white. Not because I would be a racist, but because I live in the middle of Europe, our princesses were always white, fairytales don't contain black people (if I do not count gypsies), so it is just natural that my point of view for a black princess is a feeling in my heart telling me, that to see a cartoon movie from Disney where a main role plays black skinned princess is trully a product of nowadays globalized world.

everything goes..

wrong and well.. as always the presence is a constant fight between the past experiences and future expectations.. having this on mind you can always count on the fact that there will be something you did not take in consideration..

life is not a complete struggle but rather never ending story for our every day appeared questions..

back from raw tree jungle..

cold black watery kiss gave me the city of prague when i came back from beautiful raw tree jungle of romania.. plans we traveled there with were changed many times due growing population of bears.. seein' bears when you climb up a bit higher rock behind which you see forest glade with few trees and your head goes up just in a moment when a middle sized bear is walking behind one of those trees.. your first intention (as human meeting much more powerful animal) is to turn back and run away.. while running away your second thought is 'why the hell you did not take the picture for your future kids'.. once the evening is here and you sit in a comfortable chair with fireplace behind you, you think about the magic meeting of mythical animal freely moving in forest and how impressive footprint (bear footprint) it left in your soul..

the second time when you are much better prepared (with three big knifes behind your belt and fireplace rake in your hand) you walk up the saint mountain of madarasi hargita and what God prepared for you are three little bears crossing the road just in front of your eyes, the last one stood up on his legs, smelled the sweat full of fear and excitement of those people (one with knifes, the other one with fireplace rake) and decided to dont bother those two when somewhere his mother is having and eye on him.. God did not prepare us a meeting with his mother and we are just gratefully calm for that.. in such moments when we needed to 'give up' climbing up one of szekely's saint mountain and the regrets came just after we turned back and waived meeting another 'cute' bears..

that feeling of regrets went away when translated tales, narrates and 'facts' reached my ear and i could imagine bear attacking guy picking up mushrooms for the sake of protecting little bear, bears taking away cows like buying newspapers and putting them under your arm, bears falling down from a cherry tree, bears going for a cultural evening inbetween the szekelyudvarhely town garbage cans.

moments not spend in the forest were fulfilled with adrenalin of another type.. playing alhambra board game can put your blood pressure to unbelievable heights, eating delicious food made with love outside the house in foresty garden takes your heart and puts it on a place made of silk and warmth, laying in bed in pitch-black nights when the black clouds are passing by under the werewolfy shining moon, having book in your hand and swallowing words before tiredness will knock on your eyelids..

nothing else just pure magic experience, beautiful memories and peacefull time etched such memory into my heart

is it so difficult?

is it so difficult to live? to love? to express what we have in our minds? to describe all the beauty we may experience in our lifes.. or is it just so that only inside in our souls we can trully feel and 'see' the beauty, but words are not able to capture or to express what we 'see'? is it because everybody takes the words from his / her point of view? if i tell somebody about beautiful wooden bridge, he or she will not have the picture of my bridge I saw but a bridge they saw time ago, in a village full of kind people.. my wooden bridge and their wooden bridge will not be the same.. just he 'idea' of bridge will be fulfilled..

if there will be somebody who did not see a bridge in the entire life.. though I would explain what a bridge is.. the picture in me would not fly into his heart..

I would like to encourage you to listen when somebody is talking, not to your own thoughts but to the sense of words he or she paints the picture for you

all the way to life..

there it is.. we have it there.. there in the fetish of modern science.. there in our sponge-like organ hidden behind the bone-white skull.. did you find it? ok.. so we take different way.. we will not catch our buddy just like that.. from outside, this little one is well hidden inside.. again.. wrong.. i say inside and you imagine how you will need to dissect our cerebrum and try to find something inside.. come and take the stairs up.. there to your mind.. did you open the door? there behind the door is your buddy.. our buddy.. many of them.. new ones, old ones.. happy and sad ones.. crazy but also very very wise ones..

exactly.. our thoughts.. what a miracle.. there it is.. walking, running.. sleeping inside of our brain (are thoughts in our brain, or are they coming from different place..?) there.. just to take them.. put them down on paper and they will never run away.. what? are you kiddin' me? this we should celebrate? that thought?

right.. we should not.. thought, thats marvelous 'thing'.. they can take you somewhere far away.. through them you can think up everything you have taste for..

there is also a field where thoughts means nothing.. or at least they are not the purpose in this field.. they are like a fluffy clouds without life.. they need us (or we need them?) to create THAT miracle.. which miracle? THAT miracle when a thought becomes a living one..

did you ever read about religion? humanism? did you ever live in presence or your thoughts were usually taking you to the future, or to the past? two thoughts lazily laying on a violet blanket just came down to stay here, to be here in form of letters

if you would like to live, live now.. in this moment, in this very moment.. there you will find your freedom.. always pay attention to this very moment!

to let your thought become a living one, breath in a bit of deed.. you can always think about things, but only when you do them they become 'real'.. always take responsibility for deeds you do!

life..

is beautiful.. life is cruel.. nature rules.. forming society, keys from the heaven, fooling around.. no more sweet music.. just straight.. tell me straight.. we know there is no happy end.. we are fooling around.. no second change.. in this life.. romance.. fooling around.. too much fooling around.. death.. man and woman.. true man and woman.. sins and blesses, half time of life in deep sleep with dreams some of us do not remember.. sweet kisses.. where do you go dear? just fooling around.. tell me straight.. knowledge.. God.. faith.. love.. magic.. freedom.. the power of stormy ocean.. little rains knocking on a wooden house doors, love and smiles, shaking hands and knife in your back.. the seed of a trea, written book and kid sleeping in a hammock.. woman preparing in a bathroom for today's ball, man just put a cologne on his neck, secret wishes.. burning flames.. flickering fire.. the shining luna, warm sun and pleasant breeze.. cold water and hot blooded heart

night without any dream..

dunno why but i am not such a person who would dream, or at least who would remember the dreams if i would know that i dream. not like my woman who dreams almost every night, who i would say could even analyze the dreams from Jung or Freud point of view.. cannot decide whether i do not have any dreams, or i sleep so deeply that i just do not remember them.. is it so that there are people without any dreams? whose even if they would not sleep deeply would not have any dreams? or it is so that dreams are the most common brain activity over the night and all of us are able to dream?

now crossed my mind that (no more connection with dreams) i have read a great book form John Kennedy Toole. firstly it was 'The neon bible' and then i read his most known book 'A confederacy of dunces' cannot just forget about the masterly sentence connection and pages full of society sarcasm..

then over a weekend i have read 'Interworld' from Neil Gaiman which is a nice story which for me ended too soon, like the authors would not like to extend the story or just play with the great ideas written there more.. which is a pity because i enjoyed that book, though i would say that the aiming field are teenagers

now re-reeding 'Ilias' from Homer.. what a lovely poetry

big bang..

man said that life is like a flower.. i believe that he might read the little prince book.. i belive that life is a never ending story.. like a open book.. different chapters are written by our steps.. there are people who are able to write a book.. those who never tried to write one do not know how difficult it is.. determination.. diligence.. those who did write a book know that it is like giving part of your life to the book.. you left there something.. piece of your soul is 'captured' there.. your words, your story.. your fantasy.. your setup of sentences..

your book is your signature.. same like life.. your life is your signature.. everybody leaves a step in the history time line, it depends just on us how good impression our name in signature will have

back to studies..

it is here.. the most expected moment came and.. (is it really such a awesome moment?) well.. i am a student again.. preparation began in june and now i just need to fulfill my student duties, pass exams and the most important.. to work on my bachelor thesis.. rather start sooner than later.. hmm, thinkin about some topic from symbolism field..

this is a chapter i let open and which needs to be closed.. same like many other chapters in my life.. i need to take the feather, good old-school ink and finish the chapters in my book of life..

..the difficult thing is to write many chapters at the same time..

stop talking..

and now.. confess.. do we know what leaves our mouths? do we just repeat what we heard, or do we think before we say something? do we know the power of the words? or the words lost their power as we do not treasure them most as we should? the words lost their values because we treat them in a way which leads to a status which i just do not want to imagine..

old man with a wheeled bag

traveling in tram gives you many chances to meet people, today I have met an old guy, suppose he was already 70, short, skinny but with happiness in his eyes, he had a wheeled bag where he had tied flowers.. to walk down the tram stairs seemed to be an obstacle for him so i offered him a help, with smile on his lips he told me that he appreciates my offer that he comes from his weekend house and that he will manage getting off the tram by himself..

after he got off and the doors closed and tram left the station i watched the man slowly walking on pavement with the wheeled bag which he pull behind..

thinking about this old man brought me to ideas known many centuries already, but not everybody want to see them.. how was the life of the old man? he seemed to be happy, he is old now and we cannot talk about categories as 'beauty' or 'sexy'.. what left behind? what is the life when you turn to be 60? your body hurts, you cannot move so well.. what is the sense? and though the man was happy (and many times I cannot see such happiness amongst youth.. this old man probably (as I imagined in my mind) does not spend his time in front of TV, he probably does not go partying, he does not spend his time in shopping malls buying all 'fashionable' stuff

lets say that this old man lives from all the memories, experiences he got throughout his life, he maybe writes a book, maybe he reads a lot, maybe he took the flowers to make his wife (the old lady living with him for such a long time) happy, to put the flowers on a table, while she prepared delicisou meal for him.. he was in the gardern, in his weekend house to take care of vegetables and fruits, to repair the broken window, to cut some wood..

how does the life look like if we spend most of our time on things which scratch the meaning of life just on the surface, if we do not find ourselfs till that time, if we do not give a meaning to our lives, if we just take, but do not give anything.. i understand that life has many phases and there are some we cannot just jump over (there are some we already should pass as well).. but besides this, there 'must' be something you find and will give meaning.. meaning to all this.. sense, reason, call it whatever.. something what gives you a feeling of richness in your soul

deaf time..

time is cruel, as everything is formed by time, as we can everything measure on time, the cruelty comes along.. we got short life into our hands and we are taught to catch as many things as possible into '50' years

and time does not listen

visegrad, the place with no way up..

we were in visegrad, a beautiful place in hungary, not so far away from the capital, a beautiful planned trip, day before was everything checked and alarm clocks set up.. day d came and as was agreed the breakfast will be scrambled eggs with bacon - this beautiful food did not fulfill the purpose, was not eaten in the morning but as a lunch..

morning we fell asleep a bit, so i dressed up quickly and went to shop to buy rolls and other things to do sandwiches for us so we would not be hungry, a quick note for my woman that soon she will need to wake up and then back to stove to cook the breakfast. everything prepared, but..

we did not watch the time so while i was doing breakfast my woman slept.. no wonder she loves sleeping, a bit of nervous time came when i woke her up and told her the time (she does not like to be pressured - especially to be pressured by time) a not nice grimace shot at me and words like i should woke her up a bit sooner, well what we could do? i sent her to bathroom to get prepared..quickly! and in the meantime a friend of mine that time oversleeping one night in the flat helped to pack the breakfast for us.. everything prepared, finally! we left the flat..

on the way to the place where the ship leaves (at 9 in the morning) the place to our destination we needed to catch tram, so we needed to run (love when my women runs) and then second one which in fact was for some unknown reason waiting to stress us a bit more.. (in this tram i captured with my camera still morning face of my beloved one).. soon we arrived to the ship place and voala, tickets bought.. happily walked to the ship and took place, took a deep breath and smiled at each other - no stress anymore, we are on the ship and in front of us is visegrad, place 3 hours by ship away from budapest, nice castle and beautiful town, sitting onboard of the ship and have a look at my women gave me nice feeling of loving the life!..

nice sailing to the visegrad town ended a bit after noon.. first what we done was to check if the ferry with which we wanted to cross the river and catch a train on our way back goes from.. once we found this place with a great orientation sense of my woman we could buy the tickets and go to the town to check the historical part, to go up to the castle and to enjoy the time there a bit..

we could not find a way to the castle leading from the town to the castle so it was decided to walk up in a kinda foresty path, 47% sheer path to the castle in almost 30 celsius was deadly for my shirt i washed for this trip (in fact with that climb i washed her once again).. finally up the land appeared in front of our eyes (ou wait, not so fast, for such beautiful view from the castle we needed to pay a fee, what a lovely.. i need to admit that i forgot about the fee very quickly mainly because of the beautiful view and nice time i had up there with my beloved)..

once full of sceneries and with empty stomachs we walked down to town and settled in pizzeria with beautiful garden and noisy-but-cute exotic bird ('ello') after trying everything what they had on the menu list we walked out and took the direction towards the ferry.. a bit of waiting was fulfilled by a strange element (probably baked together with the pizza pasta) which made my woman crazy so i end up sitting next to her while she was giving me at least million kisses.. to heal her from this disease (i was worried that she would never stop and lets admit that it is very difficult to tell her something nice while she is kissing you) i needed to be a bit strict, which made her upset because she thought that i dont like her kisses - what a mistake, me, a kiss gourmet who loves all kind of her kisses.. anyway, finally the ferry was leaving the coast so we jumped on it and were delivered like two nice packages full of visegrad memories on the other coast to the town named nagymaros.. there we caught the train (which my women foretold will come right once we get there - which was suprisingly truth)..

many thoughts whirling in my mind while taking the train back to budapest.. felt like only she is able to walk by my side, my women..

memories from visegrad

bit back in time..

how beautiful it was to again visit the city where i was born, to sit donw in park with white benches and eat sandwiches, to walk in the small center which was re-done to look like italian little streets, to walk up to castle and to sit down in the park to play criss cross, to walk from the bus station and to have a beautiful woman walking by your side, to see the church in bratislava and prayed there.. to meet mrs. cat waiting for a bit of caress, to stop by in the multinational mcdonald to visit their toilets, to find the sun beautifuly shining on your face, to sit on the bench in front of the hungarian national theatre or opera in bratislava, to walk on old wooden bridge which shakes if a car crosses him, to end up in macdonald to get some stomach problems, to walk to the bus station and catch the bus, to come home and just next to me in bed find again the beautiful woman who was walking all the time with me, to fell asleep and thank God for such marvelous day..

memories from pozsony (bratislava)

one day before..

friday and i again went to library.. it is a deadline day.. tomorrow exams will come and i have still a chance to learn something.. i know all around the world they say that we should give ourselfs relax before any mind exams, but i dont think this works for me, i am much more calmer if i again check the knowledge i was able to gather and then i get piece in form of a calm night - otherwise i would tell myself that i did not do all what was needed for it.. that i was lazy and did not prepare enough.. i have a very good mood, we plan a trip abroad again and this time it could be very nice cultural city in italy or spain.. who knows maybe we will end up in croatia between many czech citizens who decided to go for "cheap" vacation..

moving out of the flat, thats what awaits me in the next weeks, firstly to find a flat with a good price, then move in and sell the old one.. the best thing would be to have all this behind me already.. well i am pretty curious how this little big flat story will end..

thoughts..

so many things around you and you have to pick just one.. "if you take one way you sacrifice the other one" and once you come back you are a 'different' person..

loneliness..

what it is about what we all are doing? tell me someone.. why if i wake up with a feeling of missing someone/something then what is the reality if however i do pay attention to it in fact i cannot change the reality much.. there is something funny here, the lifes of the others seem to be much more easier than ours - they are not..

butterfly hunter..

today my mother would have a bday so with my sister we decided that we should celebrate it somehow (best with a good dinner).. so the idea was to go to city center and have some japan food in a very stylish japan restaurant but when i saw in the morning how beautiful weather it is outside i have decided that we will cook our food and we will eat it in the nature..

unfortunately sister was not able to free her time.. i went to the shop and bought things for the delicious meal i had in plan to cook.. i started cooking and once it was done i have packed it and with my black god friend we went for a little trip.. we went to a secret place not many people know it there and on my way to the place i decided that i will try to take a beautiful picture of an butterfly.. it seems that i would not be a good butterfly hunter because i could not take a beautiful picture of any.. i dont bother myself with it - the sky is beautiful and the fresh air cooling my cooked food is marvelous.. want to spend many moments like this one!

i could not let the moment leave like that so i took some photos

the bubble world..

somehow this weekend the strange urge in me.. like i would drink a coctail which would put the colors i can see with my eyes more into contrast.. there is this urge coming from the fact that i am able see the difference.. the questions are hanging on a silky ropes in my mind disappear, burst always when a pure bubble touches them.. this weekend i had blewn a lot of bubbles.. everything started with friday evening when all the week thinking came to an end. the mind became cleaner at the one time, when in other one was fulfilled by those bubbles.. each bubble is coming from a part of me, each bubble is meant to burst at least one hanging question.. i am sure that it will be not this weekend when there will be no more questions hanging in my mind, but it is this weekend when i found the sense in blowing bubbles..

saturday afternoon..

sitting in a close nature reservation, my dog in front of me, singing birds sitting on their twigs in the tree's crowns.. if i look towards the blue sky i can see many flies doing their acrobatic exhibition time to time getting close to sit on my skin..

strange.. thats how it is today.. in the morning all what i was please to do was to lie in the bed and read mr. geertz book the interpretation of cultures.. then it came to my mind that i am lazy and that it was enough to be in bed for this part of day and that i should start doing 'something'.. so i put a CD to the hi-fi and played sting's it's probably me song while i was washing dishes my dog came and with a look just she can do asked me to spend some time in the nature with her.. i got a feeling that i have my life in my hands, that i know what to do.. with that feeling i started to walk in the flat, thinking how many bacis things are enough to run a 'full life'.. and i found out that many things in the flat do not fit into 'that' cathegory..

finally i decided to dress up and go for a little walk.. sitting here in the grass, flies all over me, my dog running happily around and i feel how beautiful a 'simple life' can be..

p.s. many people asked me what i mean with the 'simple life' phrase.. a simple life according to my mind means a life where i dont need to solve anything else just things closely connected to the survival of a humankind.. (with all pleasures of life)

waiting..

finally came home and first thing what i did was to prepare for tomorrow - last day in the week but still lot of things to do, much time in library due the exam preparation, few emails to friends, little planning ahead with europe travels, administration of bank accounts and market analyses.. beautiful busy life.. i am happy for the moments which i can spend carefree holding her hand and lying on a green field or at least margit island in budapest (still remember the moment where we were lying there last summer, the clouds were lazily swimming in the blue sky ocean, in one moment it started to rain and people were leaving the island but we stayed, just a few rain drops and the sun reappear and we were holding each others hands.. immense love)

came home.. at the same moment my woman enjoys a concert of peterfi bori.. i wish she would really enjoy it (and i am unbelievably jealous.. wrr)

my first hungarian class..

i would say that today was marked as a hungarian day.. finally my hungarian language class was launched, with full bag (dictionary, grammar book etc.) i started today's walk to the office, no hungarian marks in the morning (could be because i have read a german book) and in the office it was easy to look forward for my afternoon class, just one thing left - jump to the library and then after some time join the new teacher (just a moment before the class i met my hungarian friend and i was happy to see him again) - my new teacher is a smart slovak/hungarian guy who is living 9 years in prague, he studied MATFYZ (math-physics university) and now he is much into anthropology (dont know where his aim broke down to this field of study).. the teaching is his hobby.. what else? he did not play my game.. he knows czech/slovak and i tried to convince him to at least explain me some grammar in a language i know but he came with a method that everything will be in hungarian.. i need to tell that it is tough to understand language basics if they are explained in a lnaguage you dont know (i found myself looking at my new teacher with wonder in my eyes and usually what left my mouth was "nem ertem" - i dont understand.. after some while i got used to the fact that my strategy failed and i adapted to the rules - that everything will be in hungarian.. good that i recognized that the fight is not worth - it gave me much to try to speak in foreign language..

God seems to have good sense of humor (same as my woman).. when i was travelling home i decided that i will take a walk home and together with me got off from a bus a lady.. firstly she walked in front of me and i could not hear what she is telling to her cell, but as i was faster i got in front of her and to my wonder the girl spoke pure hungarian.. (trully i felt like a hungarian invazion to prague started just a while ago)

my hungarian life..

before i met her i was vegetarian, my supervisor appreciated my time planning, my sister was happy to talk with me, my dog had plenty of time to bite my hand and take me for a walk to the forest, my life got upside-down

after i fell in love with a hungarian girl i needed to change my habits, i became an omnivore, that was the first thing i needed to change - it was the first sentence she told me "no meat, no relationship"..

after i fell in love with the gorgeous girl my supervisor becomes nervous every time i am giving her a request for vacation - i dont see anything bad about giving her requests for my vacation one or two days before the vacation starts..

after i fell in love with the beautiful woman my sister lost the possibility to take my time and update me with news from her very interesting life..

after i fell in love with the intelligent one my dog lacks the time when i walk with her for loooong walks, now instead of this looong walks i sit in bus and travel to hungary..

i am in love with this crazy girl and my life is still upside-down.. rollecoaster.. jungle.. all what i missed till now was a bit orientation.. it is here, it was just in me.. all what i needed was a bit of time and enough patience from her..

nagyon köszönöm

again..library..

and i am here again..sitting in the library, feeling the urge to study, to explore to go to the depth of the topic.. searching old books, philosophy, adventure, culture.. reading and trying to interpret written empiric things into a language understandable for the majority, trying to connect things written in one book with things written in another one, trying to get a consensus, glued idea of two ideas which did not know that they have something in connection..

i love this passion for knowledge..

cruel morning..

"like i would be hit by a wooden paddle" crossed my mind today's morning while walking to the office.. what? do i sustain with schizophrenia already? what is happening with me? yesterday my heart was filled with love, i could not get enough of her blue eyes and today again waking up alone, brushing my teeth and thinking how much i miss her.. what is this world about? should not i spend the time with her? why the separation is needed? for what? what if tomorrow a car will hit one of us (we cannot think about this every day, otherwise our lifes would be completely different).. in the beginning i thought that part of my soul is in her and part of her soul is in me.. i cannot give any visible proof of this, all i know is that i want to be by her side forever..

question is what does she want? such a beautiful woman, such a marvelous princess.. life can be pretty cruel.. (i dont want to spend my life with somebody i would not be happy with)

natural schizophrenia

like i would lie in two different worlds. one cold one turning about money, word wars and selfishenss and the other one filler with wam caress, enriching discussions and love. there would not be the second world without the first one. all what i want to make the second world big enough..

there are two different kind of wars. in one world the war respects the archaic rules, honesty and respect. other was is fight with all kinds of poisoned tricks. in the fisrt kind of wars you grow up in the second one you need to gifht for your own life. both kind of wars are "must to" be lived through to become complete. one thing is very important - dont mix the habits of the two kinds of war!

the way..

got onboard the bus, the fee is paid (needed to change my date from monday to tuesday) listening to the music playing on the bus and waiting for the people to get on.. looked to the left where a billboard place is - a coca cola commercial says "nem vagyok szupernö" a picture of a lady where in the backgroung is a comics superwomen.. maybe she is not a superwomen but i kknow at least one.. it is not easy to live with them but it makes the life being true live!

waiting for the bus at nepliget..

sitting in the nepliget park, people apssing by, everybody aims for something esle today. i dont. i sit here waiting to be again separated from my love. i know it is needed. no, not needed. it is a part of what i've decided for. i picked this way. the way which is long and dangerous but the most delicious fruits grow only here. there is just one women like here and i dont want any other. for some time we need to bare the fact of living a life alone while we know that we loose the time being together. we sacrificed it for something bigger, for something with higher value, for something what will make us happy (for sure that i doubt if i should not rather spend all the time with her)..
sitting hear and dreaming about smile on her face, she is mine.. i please her, i love her, she is my woman! is ghe will be captured i go and find her. nobody will hurt my woman. she is the one who deserves my love

talking about all this on a wednesday's morning, when she still sleeps in her flat far far from me is making me sad for many reasons.. for the reason that i spent marvelous time with her lately, for the reason that i know how marvelous she is and also from the fact of fear that if i will not be with her then i will be forgotten..

strange humankind..

the more freedom you give the more expectations for bonds are required.. me included this is what i am trying to understand.. if i give freedom it is supposed that the human will be happy, but it seems that with the freedom comes panic and once the order of magnitude, the law is gone all what stayed is just somebody who does not know what to do, nobody tells him/her where to go and how to do it..

as this is what could be the truth, it is easy applicable also on a relationship.. also here we can see both types of extremes - there with much freedom relationships one lacks a feeling for a bond - there in much bond relationships one lacks the space for breathing in..

this leads to many misunderstandings and situations where both are speaking but not listening, telling their point of view but not taken into the scope the point of the other one.. it is one thing how i see myself and how the other one sees myself.. no wonder that many times those two perceptions are not equal..

come and lie to my eyes..

thats what i am doing everyday.. intentions hidden behind some patterns of behaviour are clearly against the faith i would like to keep.. as i am know the border is very very thin and easy to cross it is hard to recognize where you stand.. where i stand.. the only true mirror i can have are the people around me and the one who is not afraid to show me the real truth is noone else than my love..

as a stuborn human i believe in the pure intentions and i hide my decisions behind the decisions of others.. it is not easy (as to hear the truth hurts more than i would expect) to listen that i am not the one whom i see in the mirror with my eyes.. it is easy to bite and to attack if somebody will take the truth out and let me see how i lie to myself.. it is easy to blame the other one.. in fact the setup is so that i do not see myself.. the mistakes of mine are very well hidden and i myself have the feeling of taking the right way..

as i inted to do.. to tell that the life is about us and that finally we should stand on own legs, to stand up and to walk.. to walk there where we should walk.. that was my advise for somebody.. to do not let the closest ones lead your life and finally take the responsibility for yourself.. because it is easy to do what they please in a way that you dont need to decide..

i was highly mistaken that i can tell such advise to somebody.. as the truth was taken out and served to my eyes.. i bit.. no wonder that a little stream of blood appeared.. the words were full of poison and missing any understanding.. as i looked inside i saw a human who do the same mistake.. who instead of leading his life accepted the circumstances.. everything was hidden under a good intention.. to make somebody happy..

many ways were taken against this intention.. many tries how to supress this habit into a harmony but it seems that there are again and again ways how to come with the habit on the surface..

thank you for patiente them who understands me, thank you for being my mirror!

roles in the society..

came to my mind yesterday evening the topic of the men and women roles in the nowadays society.. at the beginning we should specify that we cannot think globally so lets pick up an west-european region, average mid-class "family".. the roles of men and women are partly given by the nature where it is set up so that only woman can give birth to a child so for that fact (and few others) is the man more capable to ensure the family cell in a economy way, money. it was supposed to be so that the main word in the family is the fathers word, what father tells is the truth, if father will move, then the whole family will move, the woman had to (under the society presure) follow and take care of the household.. we can see that today this is not possible anymore.. the men and women became equal in the eyes of society, both are able to work and earn money and both are able to to decisions, as we said the difference is done by the nature when woman feels the urge for the family..

lets say that this is just the top of the iceberg.. lets agree that the exceptions are always part of predescribed model of living.. at the end it is always mixed up so that the part of the roles can be switched.. not always it is good and far from the expectations written in the habits of the family members since they grew up in their families.. there they took the pattern of behavior and there is the root of the idea of family..

where..

where i can sit down, close my eye, tell the hurt to calm down and be myself? where i can talk openly and let the words flit in the air, long, short ones, with many letters, but also numbers and little pictures..

where i can open my eyes and see pure beauty? where i can say a word who would fly to the other's skin, soak in and wander to the soul where it would mushroom into many little sparks tickeling the soul and making her breathe? where i can walk my way without walking just in circles? where i can lie down and observe the fluffy clouds racing at the blue sea above my head?

whom i can give my heart?

where it is..

i am still missing a reason for some specific behaviour i have, unfortunately, possibility to experience.. purposely pitched twings under my walking legs, selfishness hidden behind the picture of an empty good words..

trampled dreams and ideas, family falling aparts, no warm hugs just poisoned words, tunnel minded thinking, all what we can see is the face of the others, unfortunately we cannot see our faces..

sadness walking with my in my heart, just there next to my father, walking hand in hand, disappearing far far in the horizon, no paw, no words, just silence and empty place..

the feeling is back..

so happy i am for the fact how the human being is able to feel.. to feel happiness, sadness, love, hate.. to remember many usefull but also unusefull things..

i am sitting in the municipal library in prague.. sitting here again after many months, back with launched notebook, book in front of me and feeling of doing research again, feeling of soaking knowledge, feeling of exploring the world again..

here with me are the experiences from my life, the love in my heart, the feeling of missing my dear, the hunger in my tummy, the excitement in my cells..

life seems to be so multifarious..

slow down baby..

so many things to decide, so many decisions to do, so many thoughts flying all around, so many unknowns.. all disturbing the calm light in us.. like the candle's flame in wind, dancing, bending, flickering.. all because the enviroment around..

all the things can be solved with time, same as the wind will stop blow once and the candle's flame will get his calm..

what is a challenge? what is a challenge for you if you can see how the sun is rising up? there is no challenge, all what is happening is happening for some reason, should be blind or should be open, you cannot leave. you are here, maybe unwillingly, trying to decide, to survive, to live and nobody will do the decision instead of you. there are friends, family, there is your soul, there is wisdom and warm understanding of your beloved ones.. some of them would so much like to do the decision instead of you, not to see your suffering, but they will not do so, they know that it would just wound you at the end..

nagyon koszonom..

many ppl can read the posts, and all of them can think different things about them.. actually they really think differently.. just this one, this little post is meant to be just for one of you.. to do a public confession? crazy he is, you might think.. i think so too, crazy i am, crazy for...

the mornings where i dont need to wake up and go to the office..
the time when i eat delicious food prepared with love or by 5 michelin star cooker..
moment where i can see her eyes..
time deep down in night when i sleep and nothing else just my soul dreams..
memories of my childhood..
times when i am eager to do adventure, full of energy and taste
the picture of her when she is smiling.
laying in the high grass which is waving in the spring breeze
deep in thoughts to sit on a stone next to a river..
gentle kisses from her..
dreams pushed up by my heart, playing with the memories of future..
falling snowflakes, bushing raindrops, warm sun rays, spring and autumn wind, milky fog
swiming naked in a river..
walking up to a hill with a bag full of delicious cooked and raw things ready to do picnic..
to hear her laugh..
to feel her hand, or her skin touching mine..
the unbelievable fast moments compared to the hours which seems to be long as a whole days..
to see her eyes and to hug her..

cold morning..

coughing, snowflakes falling down through the opened window, morning freeze caressing my face, the rest of me is tightly covered by warm blanket.. after waking up, my body leads me to the kitchen, inside i still sleep, if somebody would meet me i would be marked as "soul-less" or sleepwalker.. my hands prepare tasty breakfast while the brain is out of order, it seems that i've became a breakfast animal whoms only instict is to prepare the breakfast..

once i walk in the bathroom and pour water on my face the man in me is finally awaken by the cold and wet blizzard.. automatically my hand reaches the tooth-brush and the other one the tooth-paste.. i do not dare to look at me in the mirror, i had enough nightmares over the night so asking God to guard me against this last one He let my eyes to be closed..

soon, nicely dressed up and prepared, leaving the flat with another goal of the day.. the breakfast challenge and mirror nightmares are behind, the rising sun, freezing skin and time when my brain works in a field i am not interested in awaits me.. the fact that behind all that is another great idea drives me forward.. for how long?

overloaded..

my mind is overloaded.. so many things whirling around, so many decisions, so many open things which need to be done.. so many doubts and so many words telling me opposite meaning at the same time.. how to end this i have no idea, meditation came to my mind but i still did not sit down, closed my eyes and tried to calm down my mind and let the heart speak..

questions following me since my childhood, since i've tried to understand the world, the rules, the language are still in my mind and they do not get their answer yet, waiting impatiently, knocking on my soul, trying to get some attention.. so many variables are affecting our life, so many things we cannot change, but which are happening around us, so many things we need to accept because there is not other way, just to assimilate, i am not saying we should be satisfied with it, we still should fight for better days but there are many things we cannot change.. they happened once and we need to take them as they are, the history cannot be changed (and i am afraid, nor the future)..

who is in charge to give us sticks and twigs under our legs, obstacles we need to fight with? in which hands are our lifes? who decides who will die in young age, who will die on cancer, whom will kill a crazy driver?

the men is the brightest sun.. apart from animals who accepts the world so as it is, the man want always something better, the men need to fight with the consequences, the men need to solve the disturbing grumble inside his body, the men have to be strong inside otherwise will become a walking skeleton covered by flash and skin.. the soul is the sun

tough way of..

living.. exactly, i am talking about the fact, that if you are satisfied with that what you have, routine day work, watching tv in nights, partying, reading books, if you do not want to change the set up, everything is fine.. yeah, you have dreams, you have taste for better life, to reach some goal up there, but it is very very tiring, time consuming, to much thinking and energy..

it is always so it seems that the world is against you, you wanted to buy the house, but no no, economy crises, you wanted to change the job, bu no no, the companies are kicking the people out, you wanted to learn new language, but no no, you dont have time, you wanted to save some money, but no no, there were another costs which needed to be paid..

the change, the fight for something is always difficult, it makes us think that everything is pushing us to stay.. status quo.. that we should not try to change, but accept what we have..

it could be so..

that these parts of one big story would be taken as stories about love.. (the one to whom is this post mention to knows what i mean by that) to be honest it is not just about it.. everything what i write here is my life.. my feelings, everything what i can put donw on paper, everything what i can see in front of my eyes instead of keeping it in my mind where i cannot see the other sides of one thought..

yes i admit last half a year the topic was mainly touching love, the reason could be that i met love, finally i can say that i experienced love in a way.. love shining like rainbow, love where i think that the world is the most beautiful thing, love which let me be lazy, love with made my stomach be more sensitive for feelings, love which made me angry and sad, love which brought me pieces of understanding, love which brought me experience..

hope i will not be misunderstood when i say.. love is life and life is love.. any kind of love, let it be a love towards parents, love towards kids or your beloved one, love for life, love for dreams, love to find the rabbit in the hole.. just have passion and taste for it and never give it up, we all know that life can put us time to time pretty down, thats the time to note why we fell and stand up again, to stand up and to face the life with honesty, passion and love

the idea..

i imagined it that she will admire me. that i will be the only one for her. that she will get blind. there can be many men around her, in her heart there would be just one.. doesn't matter if someone is more handsome, or is trying to get her attraction for her, there is just one man, me. she would go in a snow blizzard just to meet me, she would feel that only my caress, only my words can give her what she needs..

there are many types of love and i do not know them all.. some of them are hidden in the heart, shining just time to time, but rather being in the cozy place where they do not need to face the reality so much. some of them are at the surface, looking for the quality of the other one while not seeing the deeper meaning, some of them are sweet like honey, some of them bitter.. i cannot describe what is the love, coz everybody feels the love in a different way.. i cannot command somehow to love me in a certain way.. the word has a value and to be honest is something very much precious.. but even words cannot live, not if we do not give them their souls.. we can always see what's the meaning of the word if we see they eyes, there we can see the value..

to fill the words with soul, with deeds, with life

symbols, there is no..

white without a black color. there is no day without night and no happiness without sadness.. there is not man without woman and no left hand without right hand. there is no sun without moon and no up without down.. no life without death, no heaven without hell, there is no light without dark, no cold without hot, no good without bad and no beautiful without ugly..

it seems that we live in a world full of opposites.. seems that we need to live them through until we do not experience bad we cannot experience good, until we do not experience beauty we cannot experience nausea. there is always something to compare, past with future, two boy standing next to each other, two beautiful flowers growing on the field..

does anybody know how to see the "beauty" of someone without being compared?

how to..

how to love crossed my mind.. is there any answer for that? to be honest i dont think there is an answer which would be applicable for everybody.. for sure you will not love somebody just by telling him/her that you love them. you will not love somebody if you think that love is slavery.. you will not love somebody if you do not live..

love needs to breathe, move, change, grow, get experienced, love needs drama, love needs tears, sadness, dark times after which come the light and butterflies in stomach..

there are many kinds of love.. keep the one you have, treasure it and take care of it

hungarian language..

it happened that i met a hungarian girl. you know hungarians, proud of their nature, a bit nationalistic, talking with language an european would not understand until you wouldnt record it and play it backwards..

she talks about hungarian with a passion in her eyes, describing interesting parts of history, telling you stories and myths about the old hungarian nation. there is nobody who would make you be interested in this language more than her. so i became a fan of the language, studying the grammar, learning vocabulary, feeling proud when i can take out my grammar sheet in subway and solve the big bug questions in my head..

this little big adventure to the hungarian language basics is making me being amazed by the fact that something so "different-like" from all the other european languages gives you a great journey to the roots of your mind. sad thing is that all the beautiful poetry, interesting philosophy and great pieces of arts are locked by the language difference.

make me blind..

bless for you who do not see. that's what i thought. better to live in world with closed eyes not to see the cruelty, the unfairness, the dehet black color over the little white point.

it is difficult to open eyes and to do something, to fight, to become wounded, to heal and fight again.. it is more difficult to say something than stay silent..

it seems, that i am loosing the pieces of my family.. slowly parts of the rest become sick and rotten, slowly they are falling down to my feet where they scream while getting sliced by the good energy into pieces apart from my body, like leaving feelings, like good memories, like everything i was hoping for..

it is easy to turn back to them, to do not talk with them, to tell them to go and not to return.. but it is very difficult to forgive, to do not play the same game as they play..

it is in you..

don't give up.. nothing.. it is always so, that life prepares the most difficult way, the thing is not to give it up.. always when i am reading a book and i experience a feeling.. a feeling of joy, a feeling from my dreams..

the problem is, usually when we finish a book, we put it to the library and forget about the feeling, about the energy brought in one sentence.. about the story, the story we would like to live through, the places we would like to visit, the people we would like to know, situations we would like to experience..

nothing is worse than doing nothing.. if we do nothing we lost all the chances.. we become older and the time is just passing by..

we can try, we can live, we can decide.. only thing what we need to do is believe in ourselfs.. just believe..

it was a looong time..

it was a looong time when i was dreaming about the pleasures of life.. usually the time comes when you did not experience your heart pleasure.. if you once tasted a delicious ice cream, you dream about the ice cream, to taste it once again. if you met a beautiful woman, you dream about meeting her again. you remember her perfume, what she wore, her smile, the spark in her eyes..

pleasure of my heart is to dream about the snowflake white skin, deep blue eyes playing with the truth like kiddo on a swing, read vampir lips telling you to take them, to kiss them, to let them touch your skin.. little ears, those who so much like to wear a beautiful earring, neck asking for attention always when the hair let you see the skin there, fingers, so unique that to get a ring for them is a quest for the hero from the old myths. stomach is like a silk lake with so amazing shape that your ears can get blind.. to see her is like to see birth of venus painting.

i am amazed by the beauty, by the power of being pushed down, to admire the God's miracle

myth touching my soul

there are many myths in our lives.. still they are there.. still they are part of our daily routines.. we are living in them, we are taking bath in the myth oceans.. but for now, i'll touch just one of them..

there is someone in my life.. a woman.. and i am not ashamed.. to tell that i love her.. she is the precious for me, she is the one i would give my life for, like in the old roman times, i would be the one fighting for her, like in the greek times, the mythic helen of troy, she is the one i would declare war to the whole world. like saint de exupery's little prince, she is my most precious blooming flower, like botticelli's birth of venus, she is my most beautiful woman..

the myth is still touching our lifes..

far distance relationships..

everybody is telling me.. two things related to far distance relationships.. first is how they are amazed that the frienship, relationship, marriage, love can handle such far distance.. second thing is that far distance relationships doens't work..

i would like to mention few things.. it is not truth that there are no far distance relationships which are not working.. i know.. at least few of them and couples who doesn't need to live through the sorrow of far distance relationships mainly do not feel how the other one is precious..

it is not about the far distance.. it is about the woman, man whom we are in love.. if you feel that he or she is the most beautiful one, the *true* love.. doesn't matter how far you are, if you will fight with all the circumstances to be able to be with him or her, you will be rewarded sweetly!

doesn't mean, that it works without any endeavour, it is pretty difficult.. one thing good to learn is, that the other one is not a matter of course, she or he is a very precious human, someone who is, who breaths, who thinks, who dreams.. it is not for sure that you will stay together if you will not do anything for it, if you will not believe..

everything can be changed.. most of the changes are done by us!

to take responsibility..

of course.. those who were dreaming about the better life have some idea what they would like to have.. their souls were dreaming about it.. about the place where to live.. it seems to be difficult to get there, difficult to achieve such dream..

it is difficult, it is so difficult as we do it.. life is captured in our little steps we are doing towards *something*.. towards our death.. how we will end, what we will feel, being good, or being bad.. that's what we have in our hands.. we cannot blame the others.. poor human who doens't take the decision, the responsibility of th life!

i dream about my life.. many times.. i know how the top of the mountain look like.. it is not always the same top, but the mountain is not changing so much.. the dreams are maybe changing some colors, but the same is in generall the same.. dunno which little step will be the next one.. that must be decided by the current circumstances.. but the path, thats what we can choose..

falling leaves..

there is a beautifully blue sky.. no clouds, just endless blue.. would like to blow a bubble full of ancient spell and give it to the hands of the january breeze, whisper to him that i would like him to carry the bubble to the south-east.. to a girl who loves bubbles.. who loves shells, who loves life.. carry it to her hands and caress her face, give her a gentle kiss on her forehead and whisper her my words..

once the bubble will touch her hands the spell will soak into her skin.. the whole spell is an ancient thought which was always here, and people always dreamt about it.. there is nothing special about it and even if you dont believe in it, you want it.. somebody call it the spice of the life, for somebody it is the purpose of the life, the forms are different and not always joyfull, this ancient thought contains all the flavours of life..

dreams again..

no dreams while i was sleeping. i know that somewhere deep down in my soul, in my mind, there were miracle lands full of fallish and spring time, full of fresh breeze and wood-honey smell was tickeling my nose.. but at the surface it looked very calm..

all the storms, all the good anger i carry in me.. i am trying to live, to live my life with one woman, with the most beautiful one, i feel for her and i believe in her.. i am her friend and i am her love, that's what i feel now.. i cannot be stucked with the thoughts that i will loose her, i need to live and time will reveal me the secrets.. i cannot be focused on many things, because i wouldnt be perfect in all of them, but i can have my main dream and beside it, my little cute dreams..

i love myths and i love history.. i decided and i would like to declare here, to let the words leave my mind and be written somewhere like a law.. i decided to enrich the world, the culture by love, by love to myths, by love to my best friend, to a woman i treasure the most..

i would like to study hungarian mythology, culture, connections.. i would like to leave the hungarian marks for future generations, i would like to live like a humble person, i dont need to be so rich that i wouldnt be able to decide what to buy, but i want to live a nice life, to have time for my love, for my passion, to explore the secrets of life, to do love in the mornings, to take her hand and walk through a forest full of little chapels, to lay in the grass and watch the moving clouds, to protect the most precious one, to drink tea and read books, to swimm in the river, to walk every day, to sit down, look into her eyes and let her read who is she for me..

dear sun, dear luna, stay with me on my way!