get on the top..

lately I got crazy about bouldering, taking a piece of shirt, pants and climbing shoes and just climb up and down. Try to find the body balance, start trusting your own body, find the fearless peace in your mind.. my next step is bow.. I am in a stage of getting a new bow, later I will train my mind to stay balances same as my body does (time to time)

rituals..

its beautiful how people tend to create their own rituals. Rituals which would bring us, clean us, prepare us, make us stronger and least but not last, make us think about an impact made on us through society and its traditions. Rituals like shawing, cleaning teeth, celebrating birthdays, behavioral patterns and many many others would remind us that we do belong to a specific part of earth's society. Does matter how we do them, when we do them and if we do them. Obviously nowadays with all the liberty and freedom, people tend to create their own rituals (as it always was like that) and let them shine and diffuse within. Some people feel bonded with old rituals and try to find new ones, some feel comfortable with old rituals and deny the new ones. We can't ask questions which rituals are better, we can only observe and (of course) do feel comfortable with our 'own' rituals. It is sarcastic to know that people always (each history point) feel that the rituals (culture) played in the past is {was) better than their current ones.

interpretation..

I believe many from us do see things. Do see the nature around us, do see the words written in a book, do see the moving clouds on the blue heaven sky. Also many of us do read books, do write poems, do work hard, do talk and eat, do lost and search and find again. We all do that. And here is my question, do we really understand what is going on around us? If we read a book, can we read in between the sentences? Do you put a spoon full of delicous food and stop yourself? Do you think how nice it feels when you bounce the food on your tongue, when you feel your eagerness to swallow it, but you don't, because everybody can fills their stomach with food, but how does it taste, not many of us do care. I do not want any comparison between McDonald's food and French cousine (why did I mentioned french? and even put a capital 'F'? of, society society, what do you do with me?), only want to mention, that without understanding we might live our lifes in a poor way.
Telling somebody that you love him has many ways of expression. There certainly is a power hidden in words. As you know, everybody can hurt you with words (here an ego plays a big and bigger role than you would expected). But here is my soulmate, my true friend. And altough I was not reading books she did read, mainly because they are in language I did not master yet (never ever?!) and here she is, providing me a bridge over the river, putting brick after brick, maybe not building he bridge for me, but at least she is one of the architects a very good one. God gives the ability, but the will and the faith must come out within us. And here she is, talking to me from distance and still I can 'hear' her so close. It is like somebody is talking inside of your heart, somebody whom you can't pretend you are somebody else, you can't play being macho or just not caring about things, you are naked, honest and read-through. And it is sooo good. Trully, you who do not know what I am talking about will understand once, I trully belive so, as there is always a way, time flows and we get old, but if we listen, if we stop ourselfs and instead of using our brain, trying to understand mechanics and why and when, just let the world in. Breathe the beauty inside to your soul, let it whirl there and breathe out a silent thank you. Because we might think we master the world, we might think we have everything under control, man kind usually tend to do that, but we are so foolish with that, lying to ourselfs instead of letting the better from us go out, shine through our chest and cheer ourselfs..

hope my dear friend, my soulmate will understand why do I copy her words here. They are not so much connected with my words above and yet, they are the basis of everything what I said. Might confuse you and take you in other direction, but trully, as she told me, open your heart and your inner eyes will understand the words below in many other perceptions..

(My soulmate's interpretation of a hungarian writer Muller Peter; Hungarians have two (and I believe even more) words for love)

"Muller Peter points out the differences between love (szerelem) and love (szeretet) and it kinda opened my eyes...he says:

the szerelem is burning, the szeretet knows about responsibility

the colour of szerelem is redish (flame red) the colour of szeretet is the deeper bordeau

the szerelem lives under the belly (where the sexual organs are) the szeretet lives in the heart

the szerelem without wisdom can be destroying like the fire

the szerelem ends where the marriage begins...where the kids are born, the szeretet is the base of an enduring unity...

I need to be able to love even by letting it go...it can..it WILL stay in my heart forever but I must not be sad about something that is so joyful...the love...the love once experienced lives there in everything from then on...in a glance for the snowflakes, in the cold wind on my cheek while going to church in the morning, in the voice of the old grandma singing the Xmas psalms, in the green leave of the Xmas tree, in the gleams of the stars, in the gentle breeze over the summer fields, in the fluffy cloud traveling lonely on the blue sky, it is there in the monoton sound of the machines, it is there in the singing of the birds, it is there in a delicious lunch, in the laughs of the children...in the cozy armchair, in the fur of your favourite dog...it is there...everywhere you look, and then you're heart knows...you are never alone...this love you experienced is always with you..."

p. s. My dear friend, I trust you and forever will, I trully apologize to share your wisdom with the world, but I feel, many people, if ever they will read this, might understand that I could not let this be hidden between us. It can serve as the key to open many eyes and thats mainly thanks to You. Hope I'll be forgiven for this..

moody..

Today was a pretty moody day. Dunno why, but since I woke up I was just thinking what the other one is thinking about. Is it me. Is it not me? Why does she not think about me? If she does, then why is she thinking about me? In a good way? And if she does not think about me, then why not if if I would be her I would be thinking about myself? Just a 'funny' day it was at the beginning it became even worse in the afternoon, when I was just guessing she does not love me, and then why does she not love me and then how come she does not love me and it ended up so that when she does not love me that I do not love her neither. This you can take as a complete nonsense.
Life does not work like it was in my mind today. It is never so easy and never so direct as in each of us are many reasons and many feelings which we are not even able to describe or admit to ourselfs. Life is just a bigger rubik's cube and not everybody will ever put all colors at the same place.

who loves whom

I guess I am not the last one who (time to time, or maybe yet) does not understand love. How does it work? Sure, nobody has the manual book for that. I was always wondering what people love about themself. I mean, in case I will be in love with someboy why I would be in love? Because what she does, or how she is? Or what are her dreams and because I think that my dreams do fit in there? If I think that she behaves good, would I love her because of that? What counts in love? Physicality? Behaviour? Fulfilled expectations? I know a case when a love did go above all these 'things'. Above physicality, above behaviour, above expectations. It was purely from heart. Was it so, or just I am saying it to myself and I do not see inside of my heart. Does my brain succesfully hide proofs of my theory misunderstandings? What do we love about the other one? At the end, aren't the specific differencies the one for us have the most special ones we do love her or him for?! Many questions and even more answers. More subjective than objective. At the end, nobody can tell us whom and how to love. It is always up to us, and that does it make even more difficult.

Spagatek, pot a drina

Po letech krasne nevedomosti to jednou muselo padnout i na me. Do rukou vam daji dospele plenky kterym mazaci rikaji sedak, upnou na vas HMSku a reknou at uvazete preclik. Co naplat, ze jste kbelik zapomneli doma, vzdy se nejaky najde, aby vam sarkastickym zpusobem pripomenul, ze vase zdravi zavisi i na tak male, vtipne hracicce.
Lezeni. Kdysi, v me hlave pouze vasen nekolika set, po nedavnych zkusenostech jsem byl nucen prehodnotit me mysleni a uznat, ze se nejedna o pouhou skupinku nadsencu, ale o lidi, kteri si vzali horolezeni k srdci a pripojili ho ke svym zivotum. Navic, kdo by to rekl, oni maji i svuj svaz. Cesky horolezecky svaz. Clovek by se sam divil, kolik lidi takhle po praci navleka sedak a vklada sve zdravi do rukou dalsich. Nemusite dlouho cekat a uz i vas napadne, ze by jste to nejradsi zkusili take. Pujcite si potrebne vybaveni a sup na lezeckou stenu. Svaly boli, pot se leje, ale nadseni neprestava. Co naplat, nejde o zadne soupereni, na stene je to pouze vas boj se sebou samym, klidna mysl a spolehnuti na vase vlastni telo, ze to dokaze, jsou asi dve nejvetsi zbrane, ktere tasite kdyz berete do rukou lano a 'pecete' preclik.

I'm going there..

would be nice to know where are we heading. Would be enough to have a magic wisdom bowl and always when we have question, just ask and you will get your answer. Should I study this major and will I be happy after then? Yes. Should I date with this guy and will he love me for ever ever? No. Then Should I be with the other one who brings me flovers and took me to theather the other day? Yes.
How simple it would be, but it is not. If you take it so and so, the life is all about us. Relationships. I dare to say it, because I believe it is so. Not so much about work, everybody, who wants, can work and earn so much money to be able to survive (those who know, we can survive with a true little..) but at the end, there is always us and the other one. Either man or woman. We always end up in a conversation touching relationship topic.. 'you know, my man is so good he even wash the dishes' 'ou, but mine is even ironing his shirts'.. 'my woman is doing me snacks every day when I go to the office and lunch always when I stay at home'.. 'mine is taking a great care of kids and she is really good in bed'.. all this, all these words and sentences, thoughts and plans are touching us, our souls, our thinking, our lifes. I know it would be great to have the magic bowl and ask questions, but there is none. At the end, it is always a risk and great effort which is part of our lifes. Though, my closest soul would say, don't be stupid man, just listen to your heart and you will find your answers, I'm still not there, not able to listen to my heartbeat, no matter how hard it beats I'm deaf.
Trully, the ones who are able to listen to themselfs, are true masters of life. The ones who rely on God, deal with His will and keep on living under whatever circumstances, are trully worth of respect.

No, it is not easy to stand on the road and decide, 'hould we turn left or right?! But no matter which way you take, the soul is with you and don't be foolish, at the end, we are the ones who build our landscapes, trees and flowers, sky and lakes, moon and sun. Whatever road God gave us, it is us who deal with it.

note..

Dear, you know my situation&you know I can't blame anybody but myself. I love to philosophise with you&I did not give up my hungarian language affection. I honestly respect everything connected with you&looking back I can only THANK God for you.I don't dare to say more now,I don't know where I am heading, but I know that whatever will happen I have met&settled in my heart one of the most precious people in my life, your friends&my ever closest soulmate, you.

note..

there is not one day when I would not think about her.

note..

All what I was afraid that will come from her did really come. All my fears in my mind became true, but it was not her, the one I was suspecting, it was me myself. All my fears realized in me and became true. Trully, until we do not know ourselfs we should not judge others.

Winegrapes in Mikulov..

What a beautiful trip it was. Leaving the office on Friday afternoon, taking all necessary things and packed them nicely into a car. Three cars did their way to Mikulov, small town in Moravia at the borders with Austria. Arriving late at 8 o'clock and taking all our stuff to a very nice pension owned by a boyfriend of our colleague Pája. Who could know that this couple (Pája and Lukin) are one of the few good people I know. (I still believe there are many good people.. but Pája and Lukin really god close to my heart) Drinking a little bit of hot tea and already get downstairs where a big table with 13 chairs with 13 people drinking wine, playing activity. Great evening, jumping to bed at 3am and waking up at 11 to catch trip to nearby town Lednice. Having a stop by wineyard where Lorietta (copy of Schonnbrunn Lorietta) stayes like a monument above the winegrapes. In Lednice having a nice walk through the park towards Minaret, the northest Minaret in Middle Europe. Nice building with something about 300 stairs up from where you can see the nice park, Lednice's castle and many bridges above lakes with ducks.
Going back, trying to find 'Medovy dvur' restaurant, but did not find it, at the end we were supposed to look for 'Vceli dvur' restarant. So we ended in a pub in Mikulov and had our dinner before we would go to wine cellar. Ate a lot and went back to pension to have a little rest. After one hour we went to the wine cellar where a degustation of 10 beautiful pieces of wine was waiting for us. Moreover we asked to taste two more delikate wines (slamove and ledove). Such a beautiful evening was finished when almost all of us were diying by tiredness, we decides is the best time to go back to pension and have a good sleep till next morning when we went to Mikulov's sacred hill with a church at the top. Wonderful trip to the top in the autumn nature. Wish you would be there with us.

http://picasaweb.google.com/106290769054798100894/MIKULOV10?authkey=Gv1sRgCLqs752CvfXUlQE#

working till late..

Monday evening, the weekend just ended, most of the memories are still floating in my mind and I just can't get myself to table, to work, to think about things which do not (at all) fill my soul with joy and pleasure. Everything is so plastic, problems created by people themselves, business which is not connected with living (salary payment is the only exception). You may call me old fashioned, but I still can't get used to work in the office. Doing it already for 3 years, being good at it and most of the time having fun. The work is also good (no complaints about that), the only what I lack is the feeling inside, feeling which would satisfy needs which I can't even describe. Needs close to wonders, life's hardships, nature's surprises, weather's cruelty, father's leadership and mother's warm hugs. Where are these moments in the office? Salary increase is obviously not one of them.

Once a month..

"usually coinciding with the full moon, Antoni Fortuny showed up in Sophie's bedroom at dawn and, without a word, charged at his former wife with vigour but little skill.. " bought yesterday a book by Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind. Did not hear anybody talking about the book, but read a quite good critics. And at the end, on the cover is written "The no.1 international bestseller" so for sure the book 'must be good'. Ok, if you are one of those people (as I am) who does not trust list of bestsellers show the quality of book, then we need to read the book and do own judgement. I was choosing between two books, Andrew Davidson's Gargoyle and Carlos Ruiz Zafón. In few days I'll see if I picked the right one.

Je člověk svobodný?

Co je to svoboda? Zeptal bych se Platóna, nebo Machiavelliho. Nakonec by možná přišla řada i na Thomase Jeffersona. Co je to svoboda tázal bych se, nicméně domnívám se, že je nelehký úkol vysvětlovat výše zmíněním jak těžké je být doopravdy svobodným v dnešních časech. Nejde o to tvořit si vlastní úsudek, rozhodovat se, rád bych totiž poukázal na směr na základě čeho jsou dané soudy utvářeny. Je zde přeci reklama, skrytá reklama, veřejná reklama, bájky, výchova, fáma, noviny, knihy, televize, nadnárodní korporace, ale i místní firmy, příběhy nejlepšího přítele, ale i povídky nejvzdálenějšího příbuzného. Co na tom, že máme svobodu volit si svou cestu (v rámci možnosti toto vpravdě platí), když jsme celou dobu pod vlivem dalších stovek různých faktorů. Ekonomie se dokonce snaží předpovídat pravděpodobnost našeho chování, tedy aspoň v podobě našeho vzorného souseda, který se od nás liší pouze v příjmení (homo oeconomicus). Tato nauka z velké části analyzuje proč se člověk chová tak jak se chová na základě jeho chování (vnějších rysů). Filozofie se nás snaží naučit svobodě způsobem zcela opačným. A to poznáním sama sebe. Zde jdeme cestou vnitřní-vnější a ne vnější-vnitřní. Nezavrhuji zde ekonomii, sami víme, že žádná věda není bez druhé zcela sobestačná. Naopak, sloučením věd získáváme mnohem širšího a hlubšího poznání. Co se ale svobody týká, je filozofie nejlepším stavebním kamenem.

truth.. is not relative, it is absolute..

I was wondering whether exists a book which would be filled with truth, nothing just truth and so far did not find any. Starting with phylosophy, going trough mechanics till economics.. nothing. At the end what is truth? We can't find truth which would be acceptable for everybody. (that does not mean it can't be truth). I would like to differentiate a little thing here. There is more or less a little gap between truth and fact. Everything what is a fact (e.g. gravity) does not have to be truth in a given statement. We need to work with facts and put them in sentences so we could embrace the truth itself. That's the power of words. Unfortunately so far I've met mainly temporary truths. The sun is beautifuly yellow said my girlfriend. Yeah, it was yellow in 'that' moment, beautifuly?! for whom? Coming to the fact that truth is relative.. But then where we could stand without falling down in the next few decades? Where is the solid ground of absolute truth? One could say we can find the absolute truth in faith (do not blame me I know faith can't be measured in nowadays spectrum), another could say truth is everything what we take into our lifes, life with it, according to that. It is truth for us. It might be changed in time, but in that particular time it is with is, it is absolute. The sun is beautifuly yellow.

mankind.. a weak fighter

it just crossed my mind when I was travelling in a tram and saw a guy with a shopping back, smoking a cigarette and trying to drink a coke at the same time. I was askin myself, why is this guy doing it and then the answer just popped up in my mind. Our mankind is a weak fighter, we are no more questioning ourselfs for functionalism, but we are eaten, honestly, we let ourselfs be eaten by our weaknesses. Lets take the coke for example. It is full of sugar and other ingredients our body does not require (as we are feeded well for imporant ingredients in other meals). Why do we not drink 'just' water? It would be just enough, it gives us what we require, but nowadays it is not enough, we do not think more about what we need, but what we want, what for we have a taste, what would satisfy this and that and we are becoming more and more dependant on such way of thinking, changing the world to serve us in this way. But the world will not serve us forever..

leaving my body..

there was a very nice moment described in one episode of Animatrix (ANIMATRIX: World record). This episode describes how in extreme situations we are loosing our senses, we are, I would say, leaving our body, pain is not anymore a problem, we breathe in and out as it is needed, with so much oxigen in our veins we make the brain a bit apathetic. In this state, I do not count seconds, time does not exists for me (though it must exists, because without time, there is no movement), world becomes blurry and the only important thing, center point is me. The whole day we do focus ourselfs out, in these precious moments I focus myself in. Such feeling is giving me freedom, is making me feel cozy, is letting thoughts burried with trash coming in throughout the day coming up on the surface where I can pick the up and play with them.

If you are not sure what I am talking here about, check this Animatrix: World record eposode out

frozen face, sweaty pants and snow all over..

after a looong time, there was finally made a trip to mountains, to take out our cross country skies. A beautiful chance to take few special people, two cars, several bottles of moravian wine and on Friday afternoon say bye to the life in czech republic capital. Two cars, two racing pilots, one car without any map, the other one with a map older than my own grandpa. Way to Krkonose mountains was really everything, except smooth. At one time we took a wrong turn and instead of enjoying speed on highway we did a visit of a city Jicin (old and quite famous czech city). When we came back on highway, our second racing car (which was behind us before we took the wrong turn) was further on their way to the mountains.
Fortunately, they got lost with their special map, so we got in front of them again and were ruling the race till the end. When we arrived to Krkonose mountains, we were struggeling to let our luggages be picked up and taken up to the mountain (6km straight up to the mountain). Again, luck was on our side and a snowmobile took our luggages and then another one picked us in the middle of walking up. Usually, such snowmobiles needs to be paid with extra fee, but in time we arrived, the country house we supposed to sleep in had problems with their snowmobile, which made such a chaos in communication that at the end, we were delivered to our country house for free.
Having there hot tea and some of us warm soup, prepared us for bed after such racing time. Early in the morning (8am) a breakfast was prepared. We eat everything we could and dressed up for a day spent on cross country skies. What a marvelous time. The weather was not so great, but skiing in a nature, having good time in country houses offering delicous lunch was just marvelous experience. Using the second part of day to search for 'normal' ways instead of high hills and loong downs made us ready for dinner in our country house. After dinner we enjoyed an extra session of Activity game played till late night. After midnight we jumped to beds and slept again till our breakfast time. Weather of our second day was just perfect, sun and no falling snow. We used that day to ski with my friend Peter to the highest mountain in Czech Republic, Snezka. To get there was an olympic effort, as the wind which blows around Snezka is playing with your bodies like you would not weight a kilo. On our way back from Snezka, we stopped by Lucni Bouda (another country house) and had unbelievable delicious lunch. I also ordered a ginger tea. I liked that tea so much, that I tried to write down all ingredients we could recognize. I believe the tea is done so that you take ginger, peel it, grate it and pour it with hot water (like a classic tea), together with the ginger you also put to a cup pieces of apple, orange, blueberries, plum and lemon. Actually, you put there everything you find at your place and you might like in the tea.
Strengthened, we made our way back to Dvorska Bouda, which was the country house we lived in. We packed and waited for another snowmobile to take our luggages down. Part of our expedition walked down, another part, Peter and me took the skies and slided the mountain down in a bit faster way we expected. At the end, all of us met down the mountain, jumped to cars and in a chilled out manner we travelled to Prague, to slowly soak in our city lifes.

Here you can see photos from our artic Krkonose expedition

symfonie chutí z východu..

čtvrtek večer, jaro je za dveřma, ale studený vítr nehledí ani na jaro, ani na počet vrstev oblečení. Stanice metra Staroměstka, noční Praha, cesta vede kolem městké knihovny a Karolina až ke Karlovu mostu. Nechceme se prodírat davy turistů, vydáváme se směrem Národní divadlo, pěkně po nábřeží. Ulice Karolíny Světlé, tam je náš cíl, tam se večer odehraje symfonie chutí.
Vstupujeme do ART-cafe u Irmy, kde nás víta milá obsluha s ruským přizvukem a další dva návštěvníci. Sedneme si na gauč a do rukou dostaneme jídelní lístek. Nataliya, milá holka z Ukrajiny, která mi dnes večer dělá společnost, rozvine rozhovor s naší obsluhou a já nemám ponětí, zda-li mluví o zimním počasí na jaře, nebo o volbách na Ukrajině. Výsledek rozhovoru je mi oznámen v češtině, nedá se platit kartou. Domlouváme se tedy s obsluhou, že si půjdeme vybrat peníze z ATM, zatímco oni nám připraví objednané pochutiny. Čachochbili a Chačapuri. Vydáváme se opět do náruče chladného večera. Po chvilce najdeme ATM a ždímáme z něj hotovost.
Když ten večer vstupujeme do ART-cafe už podruhé, máme celý prostor pro sebe, obsluha nám nabídne červené víno, které s jemností nájemního vraha zabíjí Vaše mozkové buňky po miliónech, zatímco se Vám na jazyku rozestře jemně trpká zemitá chuť Gruzínského vína. Už se nemůžeme dočkat na hlavní chod večera, Nataliyi přinesou Chačapuri, gruzínský chleba, který je rozhodně blízkým známým chleba tureckého. Vypadá jako tlustý pita chléb, a Chačapuri v podstatě znamená, že Vám chleba naplní různými druhy sýrů a pomažou máslem. Přede mne postaví talíř s Čachochbili a teplým gruzinskym chlebem. Čachochbili jsou velké kousky krásně do měkka uvařeného kuřecího masa v omáčce z rajčat, cibule a koření jako petržel a paprikou.
Teď si to vše poskládejme dohromady, chladný večer, příjemná kavárna s výborným jídlem, které uspokojí vaše tajné přání po skutečné dobrém jídle a krásná žena, to vše ukončené láhví dobrého červeného vína. Prostě, symfonie chutí z východu.

(http://www.uirmy.cz/)

Jelikož jsem byl z jídla opravdu nadšen, přemluvil jsem Nataliyi ať mi prozradí jak se Čachochbili dělá u nich doma. Bohužel, vše co jsem si zapamatoval bylo brutálně smazáno v rudé barvě gruzínského vína a mě nezůstalo nic jiného, než si recept na Čachochbili vyhledat. Tak tedy

1,5 kg kuřete
100 g másla
1 kg cibule
2 velké kousky rajčete
1 velká sladká paprika (kápie)
4 polevkové lžíce rajčatové pasty
půlka pálivé čili papričky
sůl

Rozpustit máslo na pávni a přidat na malé kousky nakrájenou cibuli. Vařéme asi tak půl hodiny na mírném plameni, je důležité cibuli nesmažit, ale opravdu vařit v másle dozlatova. Mezitím si můžeme nakrájet kousky kuřecího masa a jakmile je cibule hotová, přidat ho na pánev a zvýšit plamen. Za častého míchání teď už smažíme maso dokud je hotové. Oloupeme si rajčata a nastrouháme je. To samé uděláme s očištěnou kápií a čili papričkou. Poté přidáme vše společně s rajčatovým pyré na pánev. Mícháme a až je zelenina hotová, přidáme sůl.
Nakrájíme petržel, koriandr a česnek na malé kousky a se špetkou soli rozdrtíme v moždíři. Vzniklou směs přidáme na pánev, promícháme, přivedeme k varu a hned poté dáváme pryč z plotny.
Podáváme vždy s čerstvým chlebem.

overall restart..

I dont know where I got. I do not recognize it here, I do not know myself. Somewhere I took a darkish road and I do not remember where, I do not like this place, I do not like the fact that I do not know what is happening, where I am and in what I've changed. Looking in the mirror and the face comes to be the same as before, but under the face, my thoughts, my will and my soul were changed. Intentionaly? I can ask myself many times a questions why I did some steps, while all the warning signs were blinking and whisteling, obviously telling me not do walk this way. No, stubborn Michal, stubborn man, you just go straight instead of stopping yourself for a while and focus. Do not you remember? She was telling it to you so many times and you still did not take a hint? To be focused. That's what about this is. To be focused, not to fly over, but to sink deep, to stop and feel instead of going there and back without any result. And now, you are here, at this place, you do not like it, you ask yourself why you let this happen and there is no way back. Life continues like there would not be any changes, the time does tick tack, tick tack and does not take in consideration that some of us are trying to solve their own rubik's cubes.

freezy, dark and thoughtful morning..

morning drive with a tram is always a good opportunity to think over what you did last day. If the conclusion is that you did nothing (not counting the job you need to do to survive in the city life) a feeling of guiltiness is waiting just behind you to bite your neck and stay there till you'll find something better to think about. If you come to a result, that you did what you could do was enough, you travel with a smile and look forward for the day.
Some of us do not think about what they missed the previous day, but they think over how they would do the following day, or the day they are in. They plan it precisely so later on they would see that even a precise plan has to be always adjusted for little things we did not count with. Even the best of bests plan.
The morning drive with a tram is like a philosophy class, at the end, there are also people who just stare out of the windows and do not think at all.

čas nečas..

pondělí večer, vzpomínky na víkend ještě nebyly zapadány prachem a už je tady nový týden, nové úkoly, nová chuť. Nová? Kdepak, tímhle vším jsme si už jednou prošli, týden zpátky, a pak ještě předchozí týden, a ten před ním a před ním.. pondělí večer, vzpomínky na víkend jsou ještě rudé jako uhlíky v krbu a my se teprve nadechujeme.

Bijou - mozdulatlan hraje a já jsem právě dokončil večeři. Myšlenky běhají sem a tam a já jsem líný zvednout ruku a chytit je. Melancholie je můj dnešní nápoj. Pil jsem už lepší, ale dnes se nabídnutá sklenička hodí. Ženy pokládají příliš mnoho otázek a mě pomalu začínají docházet odpovědi. Sny, které se měli stát skutečností se změnili v noční můru, která neposkytuje dostatek spánku. Nejistota pramenící z nedostatku kuráže se snadno skryje za nevinný úsměv, ale na oplatku nepřichází pusa, ale stejně nesmělý úsměv. Nevyřčené touhy se válí na chomáči přátelství. Někdy je utrpení být upřímný.

confusion..

lately I feel pretty confused. Many things happened to appear, change, new experiences coming with every single day and I am unable to sort them, to put them in the right category, my decisions are like little knifes cutting my back and the strangest thing is that it is my who holds the knifes. Escape is a word crossing my mind every day. But with escape, I'll not solve anything. The question is also, shall I solve something? Or should I just accept as it is? This option excludes the ability of making decisions. Though just to accept the order of things currently happening is also a decision. In this period of time I feel like being on travel, lost in a deep forest where everything what I can see is thick fog licking my body, touching it, trying to get me down on knees. With every single step I loose my energy and pieces of hope I tresure in my heart. Hope that at the end of this is a green field with high grass waived with a spring breeze.

smysl..

Vše dává smysl. Nedávno jsem vedl dialog s jedním z mých přátel. Téma bylo smysl života. Můj postoj nebyl ani černá ani bíla. Zlatá střední cesta. Cesta se ubírala nad řečnickou otázkou, vede-li nás naším životem jakási neviditělná ruka (přeci, když mají ekonomové svou vše-řešící ruku trhu, proč bychom také nemohli mít ruku osudu, která, ač možná někdy nechceme, nás vede směrem o terém nevíme. Je přeci až s podivem, když se člověk ohlédne zpět životem a najednou se mu rozsvítí. To je přeci ono, vždyť můj život dává smysl. Támhle jsem odbočil doleva, onehdá jsem udělal takové a makové rozhodnutí a dnes stojím tady a vše to dává smysl, jelikož kdybych daná rozhodnutí neudělal, dnes bych byl někde jinde.
To sice ano, byli bychom někde jinde, nicméně, podívali bychom se zpět naším životem, našli bychom opět linii rozhodnutí, která nás dovedla na určité místo a opět bychom našli v naší minulosti smysl. Jde přeci o to, daný smysl najít, ne? Jak bychom se cítili, pokud by náš život smysl neměl. O to přeci jde, najít smysl a zdůvodnit si tak naše konání. Ať už je to historie, která nás ukotvuje ve smyslu dějin a dává nám pocit kontinuity, nebo smysl naší vlastní existence. My přece onen smysl najít chceme, a pokud to tak je, najdeme ho přeci ve všem, i kdyby náš život byla pouhá nit náhodných rozhodnutí, podíváme-li se zpět, lehce zapleteme onu nit do klubíčka, které svíráme v ruce, stejně jako náš vlastní život.

sunday evening..

I see today's day as something very calming, relaxing.. it is maybe because I feel calmed and relaxed. Just listening to songs from Bijou, hungarian band. Songs like Mozdulatlan, Tánc, Pillangó or Depresszió sound in my head. In the morning I went for cross country ski. It was not even light out there and presence of upcoming time on my skies, just by myself, listening to the sound of breathing and skies cutting frozen snow in pieces was just a moment full of magic. Later on cooking rissoto where I almost overcooked rice for meat, but at the end everything worked out very well. Cleaned my room and paid some time to administration of my cashflow. Now sitting in my sofa, listening to Bijou and feeling unbelievably calm. Feeling free. Feeling strong and peaceful. Following week I'll meet with my good friend Adam who studies in Thailand, but since I met him while we studied together humanities I did many mistakes concerning our friendship and still I take him as being like my brother. Sitting in my sofa and thinking over and over how simple some things seem to be.

zamyšlení..

v poslední době jsem samá lenost. Vím jak si všechno naplánovat. Jeden den přemýšlím jak všechno udělat den další. Vše vychází, s úsměvem na tváři usínám a počítám s dnem nabytím prací. Budík zvoní a ze mě vyzařuje nechuť. Přímo svítím. Nechci. Nechce se mi vstávat, ale jdu do toho. Beru text, který přesvědčuji, že jeho nejlepší možností je vsáknout se mi do mozkové kůry. Nechce se mu. Připadám si jako ve světě, kde lenost je králem. Po několika minutách odkládám text a přesto, že mě tlačí čas a vím, že jedinným výsledkem odkládání sobě udělených povinností je stres a dočasné zoufalství, pilně plním mnou nenáviděnou ideu lenosti. Nechci. Není dobré ukončit další den pocitem marnosti, lenosti s tím že další den vše napravím. Nenapravím. Je to boj, boj kde jedinným hráčem jsem já sám. Ten boj je ve mně a záleží pouze na vůli která rozhodne jaký bude výsledek.

"Nikdo se nestal nesmrtelný svou leností", Benjamin Franklin

changes..

I would like to point out one thing related to new year's eve. Cultures all over the world, let's not call them primitive cultures, though they might be seen so from our 'civilised' world, have rituals. Rituals are something what keeps the culture together, what gives every member a specific place and also gives 'clarification' to different behaviour we might experience. We can imagine that celebration of new year's eve is something similar. In that specific time people behave differently, in a manner they saw or were told to behave (sometimes not even in such manners). Maybe it is just my own feeling, but I believe that all rituals should put a footprint in our souls, memories, should be something like a comma in a sentence. Should separate something what was before and after such ritual. Here I might be trully mistaken, because not all rituals are like that. Some of them are done to remember our ancestors where old cultures thought that if it will be not done, our ancestor will get angry and will make trouble in living..

The main thought here is to express my wonder in celebrating new year's eve. Though this ritual can be taken as being similar to other rituals from old cultures it does not fulfil (this is trully subjective) the purpose of separating something old from something new. Some may not agree as we have a calendar change (also many goverments take new year's eve as opportunity to raise all possible taxes and in this way 'decrease salaries'). The fact what I miss in new year's eve is something like a restart option. But there is none, the life does not begin again, just continue, but it is not different, it is still the same life, nothing change, just calendar which is not astrologicaly based (like the luna calendar) not even precisely based on Jesus's birth. The only one thing which reminded me differences between old and new year were accounting accruals etc. which is economy based.

There might be the problem. I don't want accounting to rule my life.