it is getting closer..

after such a long time I am writing again here some of my thoughts..my soul mate did not talk to me since ever, I did not try to contact..seems we separated, just sometimes thoughts and memories brings her to me and I do enjoy it. I bit sad, a bit melancholic a bit confused I am talking with her. my life changed a bit and I need to take it as it is, can't rewind the time back. there there in the autumn slow air filled with colored leaves comes a wedding, and I am becoming a little bit scared, my choice, my proposal, my idea, my will and still I am not sure inside whether I am doing right or wrong. It seems like I am just standing and my hands are doing something, I am just starring and my mouth is talking something, I do not control my behaviour anymore in this.
she is like somebody I love but still getting used to. still exploring her light and dark sides. still trying to find path. are days when I am just asking myself what I am doing, how come I gave up what everything I had, what I loved, what I truly loved and got another chance, getting used to the new love, getting used to the scent, color and moods it is giving me. sometimes doubtful, sometimes sure like there is not other way for me.
of course I miss my soul mate, my first and last love I had. she was my first and first loves will never be erased from any heart. but instead of taking the path of my heart, I took the part of my dreams. sometimes the two, heart and dreams do cross each other and in those moments everything radiates with good energy, vibe, mood. but sometimes I miss my heart beating in my dreamy world and my dreamy world lacks reality in my beating.

thoughs on Friday morning..

again I have a feeling that the lifetime is going sooo fast. It is spring already and yet till the next Christmas much of our time, but it will come soon, maybe even too soon.
I guess she really likes me, but man's mind is strange, discussing, guessing, advising, why I am thinking about such thing if she is doing me breakfast because she is such a good person, or because she loves me? what if she is doing breakfast to everybody and I am just another everybody? probably people want to be special for the other one, they want to be loved. (really?!) I know all the wisdom says that the true love is when you give love, not when you receive one, and still it is such a nice feeling to be loved (not talking about the feeling being in love). Therefore I do believe man should feel inside that he/she is loved. but what if he/she does not feel that? although it is obvious that he/she are with us because they love us. am I not opened enough to feel loved? or is it because my soul tells me my true love (was) is somewhere else? I am not sure, but of course, these are doubts nobody else but me can solve, no matter how, if time will show the truth or if God explains it to me in other way.
first day in week after so many mornings with sun, came with darkish sky, no rain, but also no through-window-shining sun. she is not next to me this time, traveling in the country for business, thus I needed to wake up without any kiss, but no matter how did I wake up I feel I love her. or am I just telling it to myself, because she is such a good person? and should I have doubts? doubts, they were also part of my other love, my soulmate, at the beginning we, or just she, or both?, had them, but later on, we told ourself, doubts are like stones on a dusty road in forest, you walk on the road and you need to overcome obstacles. my question rather is, why do we think about doubts, why do we have them? why do not we see clearly? who is bringing such thoughts to our minds? us? friends? family? society? all together? fighting and fighting against these doubts might become a big part of our life, instead of fighting doubts, we should learn how to see more clearly, or how to be solid in our grounds, so no doubts as a wind would blow away what we already have.
my soulmate closed channel between us, she told me it is better for me, but I think it is better for both of us. of course I miss the communication, moreover I miss her as a person, but probably she knows better than I and she did the right thing.
today I am leaving for a trip to nature, no capital, smaller towns, villages, forest and curvy roads, looking forward walking there and have a small break

covers..

she was very much in love with him, they dated for years, lived together most of the days, had similar hobbies and found each other in love most of the time. at the end, he decided to try other women as well.
he was very much in love with her, they dated for 3 years, did not live together as they were from different countries, though the managed to fell in love with each other and kept their relationship for such a long time. at the end, he decided to live with another woman.
now she and he are together and he is asking, is that all right? of course, she must have been in so much love and the question is, isn't he only a substitute for the love she used to have towards him? he was much in love and decided to love with other one. now he is trying to find such love again, in the other one. but love has different shapes and the question is, as he broke heart of his first love, isnt his love nowadays only a substitute for his first love?