the way it is..

who knows what shapes love have? many? one? colors? flavors? depths? does it matter what our brain tells us? should we listen only to our heart? what about our stomach? feelings are strange things. Different people feel different feelings in the same situation. it depends on their own past experiences, how they were raised, which expectations they have etc. I don't think scientists are able to broaden our knowledge studying feelings. for some of us, feelings will stay always a mystery.
here she is, beautiful, smiling and smart. kind, goodhearted and fine tuned, but what about me? ended with difficulties one strong relationship in which I have believed beyond any border and yet, here I am, awkward, always with a question mark in my mind, pulled stomach and just not relaxed. something is not good here. either I can't free myself from my past (which built my experience broadly) or it is simple as it is and it just can't work out.
I don't know the answer for that, I guess nobody knows and still, as said by many and heard occasionally, time will sort everything out. but what time? time flows in between our fingers and it is very cruel. what time? what I am waiting for? why did I destroy love which filled my heart? for what reason did I do that? of course, my ego stays in the center of everything, as the world goes around and I force my desires to my priority list. but what are desires for? once they are filled, they pass away until they will become empty again they will not scream to my ears to be filled again. but love, love fills your heart and if you keep the passion (for life, for dreams, for her/him, for moments) strangely enough you will be given a feelings with overcome everything. (of course love has different shapes as I can't compare European love with African love with South American love with Asia love)
At the end, you can't tell your heart to love somebody, if it does not come, it simple does not come. you can wait for ages, you might get used to him/her, but if the love is missing it is still 'only' a powerful comfort(like).
at the end, why do I feel that I might love her, but do not feel loved back? Isn't there a saying that love is when you love something and do not expect anything in reward? but who would not like to be loved? to be admired? to be taken in the whirls and vortex where life gets wide broad of colors and spices. I have been there once and my brain (at least I think so) took me back to reality.