strange humankind..

the more freedom you give the more expectations for bonds are required.. me included this is what i am trying to understand.. if i give freedom it is supposed that the human will be happy, but it seems that with the freedom comes panic and once the order of magnitude, the law is gone all what stayed is just somebody who does not know what to do, nobody tells him/her where to go and how to do it..

as this is what could be the truth, it is easy applicable also on a relationship.. also here we can see both types of extremes - there with much freedom relationships one lacks a feeling for a bond - there in much bond relationships one lacks the space for breathing in..

this leads to many misunderstandings and situations where both are speaking but not listening, telling their point of view but not taken into the scope the point of the other one.. it is one thing how i see myself and how the other one sees myself.. no wonder that many times those two perceptions are not equal..

come and lie to my eyes..

thats what i am doing everyday.. intentions hidden behind some patterns of behaviour are clearly against the faith i would like to keep.. as i am know the border is very very thin and easy to cross it is hard to recognize where you stand.. where i stand.. the only true mirror i can have are the people around me and the one who is not afraid to show me the real truth is noone else than my love..

as a stuborn human i believe in the pure intentions and i hide my decisions behind the decisions of others.. it is not easy (as to hear the truth hurts more than i would expect) to listen that i am not the one whom i see in the mirror with my eyes.. it is easy to bite and to attack if somebody will take the truth out and let me see how i lie to myself.. it is easy to blame the other one.. in fact the setup is so that i do not see myself.. the mistakes of mine are very well hidden and i myself have the feeling of taking the right way..

as i inted to do.. to tell that the life is about us and that finally we should stand on own legs, to stand up and to walk.. to walk there where we should walk.. that was my advise for somebody.. to do not let the closest ones lead your life and finally take the responsibility for yourself.. because it is easy to do what they please in a way that you dont need to decide..

i was highly mistaken that i can tell such advise to somebody.. as the truth was taken out and served to my eyes.. i bit.. no wonder that a little stream of blood appeared.. the words were full of poison and missing any understanding.. as i looked inside i saw a human who do the same mistake.. who instead of leading his life accepted the circumstances.. everything was hidden under a good intention.. to make somebody happy..

many ways were taken against this intention.. many tries how to supress this habit into a harmony but it seems that there are again and again ways how to come with the habit on the surface..

thank you for patiente them who understands me, thank you for being my mirror!

roles in the society..

came to my mind yesterday evening the topic of the men and women roles in the nowadays society.. at the beginning we should specify that we cannot think globally so lets pick up an west-european region, average mid-class "family".. the roles of men and women are partly given by the nature where it is set up so that only woman can give birth to a child so for that fact (and few others) is the man more capable to ensure the family cell in a economy way, money. it was supposed to be so that the main word in the family is the fathers word, what father tells is the truth, if father will move, then the whole family will move, the woman had to (under the society presure) follow and take care of the household.. we can see that today this is not possible anymore.. the men and women became equal in the eyes of society, both are able to work and earn money and both are able to to decisions, as we said the difference is done by the nature when woman feels the urge for the family..

lets say that this is just the top of the iceberg.. lets agree that the exceptions are always part of predescribed model of living.. at the end it is always mixed up so that the part of the roles can be switched.. not always it is good and far from the expectations written in the habits of the family members since they grew up in their families.. there they took the pattern of behavior and there is the root of the idea of family..

where..

where i can sit down, close my eye, tell the hurt to calm down and be myself? where i can talk openly and let the words flit in the air, long, short ones, with many letters, but also numbers and little pictures..

where i can open my eyes and see pure beauty? where i can say a word who would fly to the other's skin, soak in and wander to the soul where it would mushroom into many little sparks tickeling the soul and making her breathe? where i can walk my way without walking just in circles? where i can lie down and observe the fluffy clouds racing at the blue sea above my head?

whom i can give my heart?

where it is..

i am still missing a reason for some specific behaviour i have, unfortunately, possibility to experience.. purposely pitched twings under my walking legs, selfishness hidden behind the picture of an empty good words..

trampled dreams and ideas, family falling aparts, no warm hugs just poisoned words, tunnel minded thinking, all what we can see is the face of the others, unfortunately we cannot see our faces..

sadness walking with my in my heart, just there next to my father, walking hand in hand, disappearing far far in the horizon, no paw, no words, just silence and empty place..

the feeling is back..

so happy i am for the fact how the human being is able to feel.. to feel happiness, sadness, love, hate.. to remember many usefull but also unusefull things..

i am sitting in the municipal library in prague.. sitting here again after many months, back with launched notebook, book in front of me and feeling of doing research again, feeling of soaking knowledge, feeling of exploring the world again..

here with me are the experiences from my life, the love in my heart, the feeling of missing my dear, the hunger in my tummy, the excitement in my cells..

life seems to be so multifarious..

slow down baby..

so many things to decide, so many decisions to do, so many thoughts flying all around, so many unknowns.. all disturbing the calm light in us.. like the candle's flame in wind, dancing, bending, flickering.. all because the enviroment around..

all the things can be solved with time, same as the wind will stop blow once and the candle's flame will get his calm..

what is a challenge? what is a challenge for you if you can see how the sun is rising up? there is no challenge, all what is happening is happening for some reason, should be blind or should be open, you cannot leave. you are here, maybe unwillingly, trying to decide, to survive, to live and nobody will do the decision instead of you. there are friends, family, there is your soul, there is wisdom and warm understanding of your beloved ones.. some of them would so much like to do the decision instead of you, not to see your suffering, but they will not do so, they know that it would just wound you at the end..